Partner Betrayal


The Journey
"One day you finally knew 
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and felt the old tug
at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you 
had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do,
determined to save
the only life you could save."
By Mary Oliver
Are you devastated after learning of a loved one’s secret (sexual and/or financial) life?

Do you fear you’ll never feel safe or trust again?

One very sad consequence of deception and sexual acting out in a relationship is the traumatic impact on the partner or spouse. Research has shown that spouses or partners of sex addicts report the same symptoms of trauma as often seen in victims of sexual assault and rape. These individuals often present with many of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder such as recurrent and intrusive images and thoughts, distressing dreams, difficulty concentrating, irritability or outbursts of anger, and detachment from others. 

Recovery of Self Counseling & Intensives understands the unique pain of learning that one’s beloved, the person they trusted most in the world, has maintained a secret life.  The secrets might include prostitutes, pornography and compulsive masturbation, sexting, affairs, financial problems and more. The discovery may happen after years of suspecting something is not right and being reassured repeatedly, “There is nothing wrong; it’s your imagination.” Or it may happen all of a sudden after going through his pockets before doing laundry, being diagnosed with an STD, or casually looking through his or her phone.

Regardless, the anguish is equal to no other. It often shatters the partner at the very core of their being, profoundly impacting the ability to trust and feel safe, leaving them reeling with anger, pain, shame, confusion, and a profound sense of isolation. 

As a partner you may wonder:  "What now? How do I go on? Who can I talk to about this shameful awful thing?”

Recovery of Self Counseling & Intensives honors the pain that each of you are experiencing, listens compassionately and patiently to your story, validates your reality, informs you of choices, helps you build coping skills, and shines light on the path to wholeness, a path that exists regardless of whether or not the addict in the partnership is willing to participate in recovery.  

I work with partners primarily from a multidimensional trauma-based perspective rather than a co-addiction/codependency model. 

The initial focus of treatment is on acute trauma, psychological stabilization and crisis management. In the discovery process, partners learn that the addict had been living a double life, often for many years. In response, they enter a grieving process similar to those who mourn the death of a loved one, as they recognize the loss of the relationship or marriage they believed they had. There is often a loss of existential identity due to profound contradictions to their core values and beliefs. We continue with this grieving and processing of the trauma.  

Other presenting problems and issues of clinical concern such as family of origin, codependency, love or relationship addiction, boundary development and body image are integrated into the therapy process after some level of crisis and trauma resolution has occurred. Ultimately, you are empowered to experience the possibility of growth and repair and that a broken heart can heal.

I look forward to hearing from you and supporting you on your journey. There is hope. I offer Intensives for Partners as well as, individual and group psycho-therapy for partners, and when appropriate, work collaboratively with other professionals to coordinate a team approach to treatment. 

If you’re interested in working with me, I invite you to give me a call today to schedule an appointment, or fill out the contact form below and click Send. I look forward to hearing from you.


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